be caught unprepared
at this year's Booze
Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
Get someone to buy you another beer.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have
fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen
ACTION: See above.
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open,
or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom,
practice in mirror.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out
if you are being taken to another bar.
Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
Confirm home address with bartender.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: It's water, somebody is trying to
sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been
in a fight.
ACTION: You're on your own.
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free
Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just
ACTION: Play air guitar.