Don't
be caught unprepared
at this year's Booze
Cruize...
Know how
to
Troubleshoot Your
Beer!
SYMPTOM:
Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect
angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.
SYMPTOM:
Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION:
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM:
Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION:
Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM:
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have
fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM:
Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen
forward. ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM:
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open,
or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom,
practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM:
Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty
glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM:
Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out
if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM:
Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION:
Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM:
Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the
table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM:
Beer is crystal clear. FAULT: It's water, somebody is trying to
sober you up. ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM:
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been
in a fight. ACTION: You're on your own.
SYMPTOM:
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT:
You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free
beer.
SYMPTOM:
Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too
weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM:
Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just
right. ACTION: Play air guitar.
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